share your "time out" stories

[theresa]

Hi guys,

On the chat last night, several of you were speaking about time outs. I was able to catch some of them, but my computer (or my computer skills!) was acting up.

I thought it would be fun to share our time out stories and/or advise. I was talking with Christie about her little one and trying to figure out if there are any differences for time out with kids that are learning challenged. ( a little side story... I always tell my husband, "Shea may be retarded, but she's not stupid!") ;)

I haven't done much time out with my daughter, Shea who has T21. But I think she has been in her "terrible two" stage at age 5. She's also learning a lot of terrible two behaviors from her 2 yr old sis, Brenna Rose (who half the time is no rose!).

I was also curious to hear if anyone uses a firm hand/spoon sometimes as in "spare the rod, spoil the child?" I've had to do this with Brenna who is a real pistal----and then all I have to do with Shea is hold up the "spanking spoon" and she stops whatever naughty thing she's doing.

I would rather use a "naughty spot" like super nanny does...what do you all do?

Definately share your funny stories too!! :eek:

[c01dunlap]

Miss Sophie does get time outs. At this point we don't do anything physical/corporal other that the bodily-move to T.O. spot on stair case (the most boring place in the house). Here are a few funnies too:

1) One time I put her in T.O., and forgot that the TV (visible from the staircase) was still on. I couldn't figure out why she wasn't doing her normal 'boo hoo', nor why when the timer went off, she didn't launch down the steps... duh, mommy! Why go when I have balcony seating for my show!! The next few times she was FURIOUS that I turned TV off if it was on.

2) Much later (months and months), upon being punished, Sophie informed me that she LIKED time outs, and sauntered smugly over to the steps, plunked down, and smiled. This lasted for about a week, as it didn't have the desired effect on me, and timeouts were, indeed, rather boring.

3) A friend and her 2 yr. old were visiting. She knows sign, and had been teaching her DS. So, just as I do with Sophie, I signed while I spoke. He did something he shouldn't have, and I signed and said, "No." in a calm voice/guesture. He completely melted down! Turns out that they only sign "No" when he is in REALLY BIG trouble!

In terms of philosophy, I actually have routinely focused on redirection first (good with the littler ones), give alternative choice selection (we're not wearing slippers to the store. Would you like to wear boots, or wear shoes?), ALWAYS ask why (and think if she might be hungry or overly tired), and try to minimized timeouts. Similarly, I rarely raise my voice. Now that she's getting more rambunctious, it happens a bit more frequently, but because I don't do it very often (especially the "intense" voice - not shouting, just the "pay attention or else" voice), when I do, things cease, tears flow, and the "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." starts in English and sign.

I also have to admit, we are trying to figure out how to make a shift. We have 2 problems. In order to keep it effective, we want to be able to continue the 'threat'/'reward' option, rather than leaping directly into time outs. ('reward' being no timeout, or, in some cases, still gets to go outside, which is what she was after, just not in slippers). Second problem is the most obvious -- she's doing the testing, testing, testing the limits thing! :rolleyes:

Asking for an explanation (and dealing with the root cause) has actually been pretty helpful. For instance, in refusing to put clothes on, she answered, "I don't WANT to go to the store." So I asked, "Do you think if you don't have any clothes on you won't have to go?" She nodded. I said, "That's not true. We would go either way." All of a sudden the resistance stopped. Mind you, I WOULD have put her in the carseat in just a diaper, if that's what it took to get that point across! [Mind you, in re-reading this, our life sounds a little peachier than it is -- this is what we are *trying*. Some days are better than others! LOL]

Finally, I thought I'd add one of my favorite phrases, and a slight variation:

"Parents are the best at pushing your buttons because they were the ones that installed them!" I always used to say that to friends when they or I got peeved at parents (especially when in college). Now I know it goes BOTH ways!!! So,

"Kids are the best at pushing your buttons because they were the ones that installed them!" (oh, and of course, "Pick your battles.")

[3Beez]

I would rather use a "naughty spot" like super nanny does...what do you all do?

I am actually a HUGE fan of SuperNanny's techniques. I started using the "Naughty Stool"with Madalyn (now 2) and it works. She sits for 2 minutes (1 minute per age) and if she gets up before the timer goes off, I place her back on the stool (or if we are away from the house, the "naughty spot follows us". When the timer goes off for her to get up, I go over to her, ask if she knows what she did wrong and if she can't tell me I proceed to tell her whatever behavior got her on the naughty stool and ask for a hug and apology and that's it...and don't forget to get down to their level.

For behavior where she is throwing a temper tantrum, she has about 30 seconds to tell me what is wrong or what she wants and if she doesn't or does not calm down in those 30 seconds, I put her in her room, give her a book, explain she may call me when she is done, walk out and shut the door. She keeps herself in there for about 1 minute and then comes out saying she is all done and we talk about it and move on.

The only thing I strongly recommend is to be consistent. It was hard for us to be that way at first but after I saw that consistency pays off (in more ways than discipline), I kept at it. So, if your child goes to visit family or has a babysitter, don't be afraid to share your discipline techniques with them. I have a friend whose son is 2 and he can be awful at times but she nor her MIL who watches him during the week are consistent so he laughs at any type of punishment (including spankings).

As for raising of the voice, I do this when the time is needed and usually it's when I've had enough of the whining or something.

Good luck!

[kilikicurran]

April,

I agree with so much of what you said. Supernanny is my HERO!!! Don't believe me, just check out MySpace. She falls right behind our dear Ms. Rachel.

Brady will get a warning or I'll ask if he wants time-out. If he does it again, we go right to the step. The getting to their level & telling them why they are there makes so much sense. Only 2-3 times has he gotten up. He'll sit the entire 2 minutes. I might find him laying on the step, but he's still there. I always get an apology & hug & we move on.

As I said in chat last night, the consistancy is hard. I'm home with him 1/2 the day & DH does "extra ciricular things several times a week" so I'm the one that gets tested.

There are times when a swat on the side of the leg is what it takes.

I've also started counting. Most times he'll stop by 2, but if I make it to 3 he's in trouble. Usually a timeout.

He's just 25 months now (for those too tired to do the math, that's 2 & 1 month). Eventhough his signing helps so much with communication, he's sure in the TERRIBLE TWOS!!!!!!! Drives me batty!!! I just hope we all survive it!

[alices_dad]

We use time outs. We start with the labeling "<whatever> is not OK, if you do <whatever> again, you will get a time out." And then the time out happens: sit on stairs, no stimulus, hands on knees. When we're done (typically 3 minutes), we count up to 10 or 20 together and talk about what is not OK and what is OK.

We try to avoid this and to channel some of the bad behaviors into constructive behaviors. When the emotions run really hot, we have to remind her to "use your words".

[fia's mom]

Counting works sometimes, unless Sabrina is being ornery. At times when I get to 2 I hear a little voice say, "3-4-5-6-7-8-9..." as she is also complying with what I asked her to do. I try hard not to laugh.

Generally, she gets put in her room for 2.5 minutes with the timer. The minute she hears it she comes out and tells me she hears the timer, and we "discuss" the inappropriate behavior.

Sometimes, she puts herself in her room when she knows she is doing something she shouldn't (Boy was I shocked the first time I saw that!). If she is whining/crying for no reason we will tell her to go to her room until she's done. When she's done, she'll come out of her room and tell me she's done and then she tells me what the fit was about. One day she fell asleep in her bed within the 2 minutes she went to her room. Boy was she pooped that day!

Other than that, yes sometimes a good swift pop on the bottom works, but only as a last resort. Typically if the kids aren't listening to me and Daddy shows up, all that is needed to be heard is his deep voice saying, "What did your Mother just tell you." That works everytime!

And there are definitely times where my voice gets loud. That's usually when I have had it. It's more used as a "Can I get your attention please?" tactic then anything else. It usually happens when Sabrina and Shiori are together and so into what they are doing (ie wrestling with each other on the ground) that they completely ignore anything I say.

[tyandsophiesmom]

Luckily my Son has grown out of needing time-outs. I can usually get his behavoir in check with a warnig about losing a privledge. His big thing is that he doesn't like when I raise my voice so a couple of months ago after a really bad day we made a pack. He reminds me if I raise my voice to use a quiet voice and I remind him if he is ignoring me and I feel a "rant" coming on that he has to listen the 1st time. I always joke with my husband that since we married young and had him at a young age We are learning with him.

Now my sweet Sophia could live on the "naughty seat". Which is our bottom step. She doesn't even care which is the worst part. When we count to three as a warning she will run over and cover our mouth and hold our fingers so we can't speak or sign "three". We never get past 2.
When we get her to the naughty seat she will cry for about 30 seconds and fall asleep. It doesn't matter what time of day it is. When we wake her she signs sorry, but I don't know if a nap counts as a punishment. ;)

[theresa]

Hi Antoinette,
I have an 11 yr old son,Connor, who also loses privileges when he misbehaves. It works fairly well once he realized I was serious! He and I also have a pack to tell each other if we're raising our voices---our goal is a cheerful attitude!
And by the way, we waited to have children until we were older and we're still in the learning process!! ;)

[tyandsophiesmom]

Hi Antoinette,
I have an 11 yr old son,Connor, who also loses privileges when he misbehaves. It works fairly well once he realized I was serious! He and I also have a pack to tell each other if we're raising our voices---our goal is a cheerful attitude!
And by the way, we waited to have children until we were older and we're still in the learning process!! ;)

I am glad to hear others feel like they are learning with their children as well! :D

[christy1246]

I have a daughter that was 2 at the end of May and we have tried the time out thing but it doesn't help. She is into this mean temper tantrum phase. She will be playing with a toy all nice and quietly then in less than a second she is flinging a piece across the room, biting another piece, and throwing herself down. She will come up to myself or my other 2 kids and try to claw or slap us. We have tried teaching her to be nice. Now she will be mean and then sign nice. We tried the time outs, but we remind her that she's not being nice, and try asking if she wants a time out, she will copy us signing as if to say she wants a time out. We do a timeout in her high chair where she can't escape and when she's done we ask her if she's ready to be nice.

We haven't made it to the point of combining signs and she is just about non verbal. Does anyone have any other ideas? I am so jealous of you guys saying the kids are telling you why they got their time outs.

[3Beez]

I am so jealous of you guys saying the kids are telling you why they got their time outs.

Certainly don't be jealous of us b/c it is definitely not every time she can tell me what she did wrong. I usually tell her before she gets discplined and then again after.

To add to what I said earlier, I have also read and love the book, "1-2-3 Magic", that is helping more that she is older, but like other parents, I get the 'extra' counting after I'm done counting/signing too...so you just have to find what works for you and stick with it.

[c01dunlap]

...We try to avoid this and to channel some of the bad behaviors into constructive behaviors. When the emotions run really hot, we have to remind her to "use your words".
Oh, dear! This reminds me I totally missed two big points...

Praise: I have always tried to do a lot of the "catching her doing something right". I try to make sure I do that more often than I do the correcting/punishing. Some days that means (genuinely) thanking her for taking off her shoes when we come in from playing good [/I] thing she's done in the last hour...].


...and talk about what is not OK and what is OK...
[B]Explanations: I too, try to explain WHY we don't do certain behaviors or actions every time we correct (even before timeouts). Sometimes, when she's done (or sees another kiddo do) something wrong, she apologizes immediately, followed by the explanation as a part of that apology. Guess I'm a bit of a broken record on some items! The explanation might even be, "Because when we share, everyone has more fun!".

As you might guess, life at our house can sometimes be like Sophie living life, and me doing a running commentary behind her (especially on her bad days... and 'thank you for letting the cat eat two bites in peace' is about all I can come up with).

[c01dunlap]

...She is into this mean temper tantrum phase. She will be playing with a toy all nice and quietly then in less than a second she is flinging a piece across the room, biting another piece, and throwing herself down. She will come up to myself or my other 2 kids and try to claw or slap us...
I had read or heard at some point to respond to temper tantrums by ignoring the child (stay within sight, but read a book or whatever). Actually, when Sophie throws a temper tantrum (fortunately pretty rarely), I basically treat her the same way I would if she were having a seizure - make sure she and others are safe from the flailing; monitor (again, mainly for safety); but don't otherwise interact. I will occasionally state in a relatively flat, gentle tone, "I'm here for when you calm down." or something of the sort.

The reasoning given behind this was that for humans (and probably pets), positive attention is the best to receive [e.g. we like this the most], but negative attention is actually far more 'reinforcing' than no attention whatsoever [e.g. we absolutely HATE to be ignored altogether].

Having said all of that, I'll reiterate that Sophie really RARELY has temper tantrums in comparison to her peers (she's almost 3). Perhaps I am lucky, but I do also credit that to signing (SIGNING TIME!!), in combination with the other parenting things we've tried such as consistency, praise/positive attention, knowing and avoiding "triggers".

BTW, for Sophie, some of the triggers for bad behavior are hunger/low bloodsugar, exhaustion, & too much noise for a long period of time. Note that in most places, the bathroom can give the kiddos (and you!) a break from over-stimulation. What are some "triggers" for your kiddos? Just curious.

[3Beez]

For Mady, it's similar to what you deal with for Sophie....

Hunger and being tired are the 2 main ones.

The other's could be, taking things away, telling her it's bedtime (YIKES :eek: ), telling her its time to come inside from playing and sometimes asking her to do something like clean up or wash hands for eating. I TRY to avoid those triggers as much as I can but some it just does not happen with.

[theresa]

[QUOTE=christy1246]I have a daughter that was help. She is into this mean temper tantrum phase. She will be playing with a toy all nice and quietly then in less than a second she is flinging a piece across the room...

Our 2 yr old is in the temper tantrum stage also...and it's hard because our other 2 kids were never as irrational as she gets!! When she does something naughty, I first try to say nicely "no, no, no Brenna Rose! (that's when the full name comes out!) "never , never do 'such and such' ( throw that, or hit anyone). If she continues to misbehave, then she gets time out or a swat on the bottom. In other words, she gets a warning first, then a punishment if she doesn't stop. She's not been very good with time outs either---she refuses to sit there! So sometimes I will sit in front of her (we have a specific naughty chair) and then I will start counting. If she calms down then we talk about what she did and she has to say "sorry". Then I forgive her--I think forgiveness is important too! I also make sure we talk about the bad behavior such as "I don't like it when you hit or throw.....I still love you but please don't hit...I don't like it, it hurts!"
We used to have to put her in a pack and play (we called it the dog house!) to confine her for time outs, but then she started climbing out! So I think your idea of belting her into her highchair is a good one if it works for you.
Sometimes I have to take a time out and lock myself in the bathroom!! When I can't take it anymore, instead of the kids seeing me so upset I take a break. Because as someone else said, negative reinforcement can be just as attention getting as the positive sometimes!
Then sometimes if needed we use the "spanking spoon". Nothing like a good swat to send a very naughty kid a strong message!! Some kids just need it....especially when they're being totally irrational and out of control. It's amazing how it will "bring them back to their senses"! A good book to read about discipline is "Dare to Dicipline by Dr. James Dobson". It's easy reading and humorous at times and gives some good ole common sense parenting advice. He has another one on "Raising a Strong Willed Child" which has helped me understand my "strong willed" child better!
Anyway, hope you can find what works best for you.....we'll say an extra prayer for you all! :)

[lovemy6sweeties]

sooo, if bedtime or leaving a friend's house or ending play cause melt downs or tantrums, maybe some transitional statements and times will help. Like - Okay Mady, in 5 minutes it's going to be time to get your jammies on and brush your teeth - then give her a reminder at 3 and 1 minute. I know this really helped with some of my kids :)

The hungry and tired triggers are always a biggie at my house too..... Being well rested and well snacked doesn't always happen in our busy life LOL

[c01dunlap]

sooo, if bedtime or leaving a friend's house or ending play cause melt downs or tantrums, maybe some transitional statements and times will help. Like - Okay Mady, in 5 minutes it's going to be time to get your jammies on and brush your teeth - then give her a reminder at 3 and 1 minute. I know this really helped with some of my kids :)

The hungry and tired triggers are always a biggie at my house too..... Being well rested and well snacked doesn't always happen in our busy life LOL
Oh, yes! Transitional statements have helped us immensely! We also have transitional "routines" around tough times (like bedtime). We go to lights-dimmed stage, which we refer to as "quiet time", and limited activities are allowed (e.g. books, tv/dvd - much to my chagrin!) in a specific location in the living room. Then, of course, we have the good night kisses, etc.

[JoJo]

First, let me say that I LOVE this forum! I learn so much here about parenting, not just about signing!

Have any of you read _The Five Love Languages_? I think that book is terrific, and it really helped me to understand why my DH wasn't really "getting" my little ways of showing him I love him. If you don't already know the 5, they are

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Receiving Gifts
3. Quality Time
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

Now I try to give him a pat on the shoulder as I pass by, knowing that that means more to him than the cheezy cards I used to buy.

Now I'm getting ready to buy "The Five Love Languages for Children." I'd like to figure out what Carson's primary love language is so that he'll really hear that I love him and maybe be more likely to listen at the times he needs discipline/time-out/thumping. (What is the right word for "thumping?" I mean when I hold my middle finger with my thumb and then pop the finger out to thump his hand . . .) Anyway, has anybody else read this book yet?

[amiller]

These are some great techniques! I have used most of them at times myself. However, as many of you chatters know, there are times when Anyka is SO sassy and defiant that I'd rather just give her away than discipline again! LOL

But seriously, now that she is 3, we have studies up on where she is developmentally. I was really frustrated because though she is little, I know she is smart and I know she understands what we want from her - why isn't she doing it? She knows right from wrong - if you ask her "what's the right thing to do when someone calls you a name?" she will answer you sweetly "tell them they hurt my feelings and then go play somewhere else." But put her in a room with another child who calls her a baby, and I swear you can see the tattoo of two sixes and a five come blazing out on her forehead - hitting, pushing, pinching, biting - stuff my sweet little one was never into before!

So we realize now that she KNOWS what is right, but has trouble CHOOSING it when confronted with an unpleasant situation - she has no impulse control or thoughts of consequences - she is THREE! That's her job! So, we have started talking to her about "making good choices" - as in "Jumping on the couch is not a good choice. You might get hurt." "Not listening to Mama was not a good choice. Canyou think of a better one?" "I see you are trying not to listen to me. Can you make a better choice please?"

Suddenly, we are seeing improvement (although not disapperance), and we can usually nip episodes in the bud a lot faster!