on being HOH

[Teresa Jo]

When I tell someone I did not hear their question and ask them to repeat themselves, why do they only repeat one word and not the entire sentense?? :confused:

When I explain to someone that I am hard of hearing and they need to face me when speaking, do they still turn away?? :confused:

When people want to ask a question, why do they do so from 10 feet away?? :confused: And if they approach they talk to your back instead of getting your attention first.

Seems to me that hearing people do not like to get close and eye contact is difficult for a lot.


These are some difficulties I encountered on a daily basis when I was working retail...

[aligreat]

My husband is HOH, and if I don't get his attention before speaking to him it is my own fault if he doesn't hear me. When I came to that realization my frustration level with him dropped greatly.

[Teresa Jo]

There is some occasional frustration being me and my husband due to me not hearing. :( And I get frustrated in general with my hearing difficulty. If you make a comment to your husband, one that normally someone would just listen to but not necessarily reply to, do you expect him to always acknowlede that he at least heard you??

[c01dunlap]

...why do they only repeat one word and not the entire sentense?? :confused:

... why do they still turn away?? :confused:

When people want to ask a question, why do they do so from 10 feet away?? :confused: And if they approach they talk to your back instead of getting your attention first.

Seems to me that hearing people do not like to get close and eye contact is difficult for a lot.

(I'm hearing) Some of these same issues caused me great difficulty as I was learning Spanish & living in Mexico/Spain (over 20 yrs ago). And yet, even now, from time to time I find myself having to make an effort to be sure I have that same awareness and courtesy with my dh's deaf cousin.

I do know, the eye contact and the physical distance is, unfortunately, a part of the American/US hearing culture. In Spain, it is different, and, when not making a conscious effort, you will see Americans actually gently backing away, and Spaniards, "chasing" them because they are more comfortable with a smaller/closer personal space. It is rather funny to watch, once you're tuned in.

BTW, when asking for a question repeat, is it more helpful for the speaker to say the exact same thing, or try to rephrase it a different way?

[Teresa Jo]

For me, if I am asking someone to repeat themselves, I would prefer them to repeat the same question. Usually I catch part of it and try to focus on getting the other "missing" part when they say it again. Since my needing it repeated is not due to misunderstand, just not hearing, I do not think rephrasing is necessary.

[Teresa Jo]

Oh, and some of those times when I think I've heard something correctly, but really haven't...have been quite embarassing :o

[Krista]

When I tell someone I did not hear their question and ask them to repeat themselves, why do they only repeat one word and not the entire sentense?? :confused:

When I explain to someone that I am hard of hearing and they need to face me when speaking, do they still turn away?? :confused:

When people want to ask a question, why do they do so from 10 feet away?? :confused: And if they approach they talk to your back instead of getting your attention first.

Seems to me that hearing people do not like to get close and eye contact is difficult for a lot.


These are some difficulties I encountered on a daily basis when I was working retail...



OMG I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS OUT COMPLETELY!!!!! Except I don't work in retail, but this is my daily life even at home! I'm always having to remind dh's family to look at me when talking to me, or to please not cover thier mouths when talking (why do they do that???). The only repeating the last word they've said thing drives me bonkers too! LOL. I don't get so frustrated so easily with strangers (usually, lol), but when people I know have been doing this for years; I wonder which of us isn't hearing, kwim?

[Krista]

For me, if I am asking someone to repeat themselves, I would prefer them to repeat the same question. Usually I catch part of it and try to focus on getting the other "missing" part when they say it again. Since my needing it repeated is not due to misunderstand, just not hearing, I do not think rephrasing is necessary.


My thoughts exactly. A lot of times if someone rephrases I get more confused because I had some sounds or words to work with the first time- and the second time everything is different.

[aligreat]

There is some occasional frustration being me and my husband due to me not hearing. :( And I get frustrated in general with my hearing difficulty. If you make a comment to your husband, one that normally someone would just listen to but not necessarily reply to, do you expect him to always acknowlede that he at least heard you??

It is so interesting that you asked that. My husband often doesn't even respond to a question or comment (asked in a way he could hear) which one would usually answer. I get the feeling that growing up his opinion didn't matter much. I often find myself saying to him, "That was a question," and I tell him that his opinion matters to me. Since he is good about asking me to repeat what he did not understand, I do not expect him to tell me he heard me if it isn't the sort of comment to which one ususally replies. Although, I do try to always get his attention before initiating a conversation. For example, if I am upstairs and would like him to bring something upstairs when he comes up I either go into the babies' room with the monitor or else I tap on the wall behind the heater (it vibrates through the apartment) to get his attention. If he is wearing his hearing aid he can hear me from upstairs if he knows to listen for me. Since it would be silly for me to always expect him to be listening in case I might want something, I get his attention first. We also have an intercom feature on our cordless phones. I can call the downstairs phone from the upstairs phone. I feel that it is my responsibility to make sure he is listening before I start to tell him something. If I fail to do that it is my own fault if he doesn't do as I asked. Even after over 7 years of marriage I still forget sometimes, but I get upset with myself rather than getting upset with him for my failure to communicate.

[Krista]

It is so interesting that you asked that. My husband often doesn't even respond to a question or comment (asked in a way he could hear) which one would usually answer. I get the feeling that growing up his opinion didn't matter much. I often find myself saying to him, "That was a question," and I tell him that his opinion matters to me. Since he is good about asking me to repeat what he did not understand, I do not expect him to tell me he heard me if it isn't the sort of comment to which one ususally replies. Although, I do try to always get his attention before initiating a conversation. For example, if I am upstairs and would like him to bring something upstairs when he comes up I either go into the babies' room with the monitor or else I tap on the wall behind the heater (it vibrates through the apartment) to get his attention. If he is wearing his hearing aid he can hear me from upstairs if he knows to listen for me. Since it would be silly for me to always expect him to be listening in case I might want something, I get his attention first. We also have an intercom feature on our cordless phones. I can call the downstairs phone from the upstairs phone. I feel that it is my responsibility to make sure he is listening before I start to tell him something. If I fail to do that it is my own fault if he doesn't do as I asked. Even after over 7 years of marriage I still forget sometimes, but I get upset with myself rather than getting upset with him for my failure to communicate.


Are you giving lessons by any chance? You could do seminars even! I have a few people in mind I could sign up. :p

[Teresa Jo]

OMG I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS OUT COMPLETELY!!!!! Except I don't work in retail...

Thankfully I no longer do either!! Thanks for you reply. It makes me feel good to know I'm not alone.

I remember on one occasion someone ask me a question to which I did not hear. Upon asking them to repeat their question I was given the reply of "shoes!". Ummmmm, how do you answer that? :rolleyes: I really, really wanted to say, "Yes, I wear them on my feet everyday, thank you."

[Krista]

Exactly! LOL :D

[Teresa Jo]

Are you giving lessons by any chance? You could do seminars even! I have a few people in mind I could sign up. :p

Yes, lessons please!! That's wonderful that you are so considerate of your husband's hearing diffuculty. Big kudos to you.

Even though wearing hearing aids took awhile to adjust to and I still find them annoying from time to time, there was a part of me that was happy since having them is a visual indication to others that I have difficulty in hearing.

[aligreat]

When we were engaged my husband and I took a marriage class together at the Insitute of Religion at the University of Utah. It is usually only for married couples, but I had taken some other classes from the teacher and got permission from him to take it early. The teacher's name is John Lund, and he is a practicing psychologist. He is so funny. I took every class from him that I could because I just loved hearing his funny stories. He was able to make the book of Isaiah from the Old Testament entertaining when I took his class on Isaiah.

One quote from Dr. Lund's marriage class that I have always loved is "Dinner out once a week is alot cheeper than marriage counseling." He talks about owning your words and behaviors. Even within a couple where both have perfect hearing, there is often a failure to express exactly what you mean. If you want your sweetheart to go and turn on the heat say so--don't sit there shivering until he gets the hint. He told us that his mother used to sniff loudly if the garbage needed to go out, and that his father never did pick up on the hint. She would always yell in frustration, "Would you PLEASE take out the garbage." So she was upset, and the father was always confused about why she was so upset when she was asking for the first time. If you are frustrated it is because you have an unmet expectation. It is the responsibility of the frustrated party to look and see if it is a reasonable expectation.

I took the lessons learned from Dr. Lund's class and applied them to my husband's hearing. I knew that I needed to not only say what I meant but also to make it my responsibility to make sure he heard me.

For those of you who are interested, Dr. Lund also has a website at www.drlund.com. He sells tapes of his lectures. One of them is on relationships. Also his book "Avoiding Emotional Divorce" has alot of the concepts I just described. He also speaks around the country. Corporations often hire him to teach their employees how to interact better. In one of his lectures in the marriage class he announced at the beginning that he usually gets paid $5000 from companies to lecture on the information he is about to give us. If you get the chance to read, hear or see him speak I highly recommend it.

[flippet]

Since it would be silly for me to always expect him to be listening in case I might want something, I get his attention first.


I'm coming at this from a different direction...my mom is losing her hearing (although it's never been good--I always got accused of 'mumbling' as a kid :mad: ), and although I know I shouldn't, I get HIGHLY annoyed when I'm talking to someone else in the room, for instance, my husband, or my son, something that's totally NOT important, like 'wipe your nose, please' or something, and my mom, who's not been paying attention at all, will go "HUH? What did you say?" I get SO irritated at having to repeat something that not only wasn't important, but wasn't directed at her in the first place! I feel like, as your quote says, that if I want to direct something to my mother, I'll be sure to get her attention first! If I didn't, then she doesn't need to worry about it!

I wish she'd get hearing aids, but she complains about not being able to afford them....well, if you never set money aside for them, then no, you won't be able to afford them! :mad:

I realize that when your hearing isn't good, you do miss out on a lot of the incedental stuff going on around you--but a lot of it doesn't have anything to do with any one person, hearing or not. Just because you can't hear it, doesn't mean I'm hiding something from you, you know? (rant for my mom, not in general, there.) Sigh.

[Teresa Jo]

Sounds like you are experiencing some of the frustration my husband must with me. I know he get tired of repeating himself sometimes.

Hearing aids are expensive and it is a shame I think. Mine are about 5 years old and cost me $1200 a piece when I bought them. And unfortunately I think I need new ones now :( I don't understand why with all of today's technology in electronics that hearing aids are so expensive. Plus, I also don't understand why they don't work better. One night while at my desk using my computer I heard some music from my son's baby monitor. Turned out it was the ice cream truck approaching. So there I sat hearing the music from the truck through the monitor, but NOT through the hearing aids in my ears! :confused:

[Teresa Jo]

Even within a couple where both have perfect hearing, there is often a failure to express exactly what you mean.


I know I do this! I try to remember to be direct but it doesn't always happen. I'm going to check out that website. Thanks!

[aligreat]

I told my husband about this thread, and he shared the following story with me.

He was on BART (a commuter train) one day, and someone apparently had said something to him that he had not heard. Then he heard someone behind him yell, "WHAT, ARE YOU DEAF???" He turned around to see a red-faced man glaring at him. He simply pointed to his hearing aid and smiled. The redness on the man's face turned from that of anger to that of embarassment as he sheepishly turned away. My husband never did find out what the man wanted. :p

About hearing aids...
I was very upset to find out that most insurance companies do not pay for hearing aids. My husband got one for the first time after we were married. (His mother wouldn't let him get one while he was growing up because she thought that he would be teased.) Fortunately, I was working at a hospital at the time, and my insurance company paid 50%. Now, with our insurance through my husband's work they don't even pay for hearing tests after the initial one discovers a hearing loss. They pay to find out that you can't hear, and you are on your own after that. :confused:

[Krista]

Yes, lessons please!! That's wonderful that you are so considerate of your husband's hearing diffuculty. Big kudos to you.

Even though wearing hearing aids took awhile to adjust to and I still find them annoying from time to time, there was a part of me that was happy since having them is a visual indication to others that I have difficulty in hearing.


That is the only positive I got out of my hearing aids. I hate them otherwise and never wear them anymore. I have longer hair now, so they aren't seen very well anymore anyway (BTE's). I do much better reading lips and guessing :p

[Krista]

I told my husband about this thread, and he shared the following story with me.

He was on BART (a commuter train) one day, and someone apparently had said something to him that he had not heard. Then he heard someone behind him yell, "WHAT, ARE YOU DEAF???" He turned around to see a red-faced man glaring at him. He simply pointed to his hearing aid and smiled. The redness on the man's face turned from that of anger to that of embarassment as he sheepishly turned away. My husband never did find out what the man wanted. :p

About hearing aids...
I was very upset to find out that most insurance companies do not pay for hearing aids. My husband got one for the first time after we were married. (His mother wouldn't let him get one while he was growing up because she thought that he would be teased.) Fortunately, I was working at a hospital at the time, and my insurance company paid 50%. Now, with our insurance through my husband's work they don't even pay for hearing tests after the initial one discovers a hearing loss. They pay to find out that you can't hear, and you are on your own after that. :confused:


I've had my hearing aids for almost 10 years and I know for sure I need new ones, but I don't like to wear the ones I have and we aren't in the financial situation to buy them just to see how much better they are (trying to buy a house, move across country, daughter's been having a LOT of long hospital stays lately, etc.)? How's that for a run on sentence????lol
Just getting my hearing aids when I was 17 put me and my Dad into such financial stress- I just couldn't understand how insurance companies can pay such a high percentage for visial aids and NOTHING for hearing aids. Surely there seems to be more people with visual problems than with hearing- it doesn't seem to make sense financially (to me anyway).

[Rachel]

And on the other side of the issue, it IS hard not knowing someone's hearing loss. If I notice someone has hearing aids and start signing to them, would they get offended because they grew up oral and "Just because I'm deaf doesn't mean I sign." Or maybe they are HOH and don't know sign.

And with cochlear implants I always find myself at a loss, do they sign, can they hear me? If it's a child I usually ask their parent, how they prefer to communicate.

Usually I jump in with both feet, using speech and sign at first, then I code switch depending on THEIR response.... Wait a minute, what if they are code switching for me first? :p

I clearly remember when we first began learning sign, I noticed how often I looked away, breaking eye-contact with our deaf mentor. She never needed a break LOL. I would catch myself, and think, "there I go again!"

And while shopping and looking for help, not everyone is looking for hearing aids. It's pretty common to holler across a retail store, "Excuse me Miss?"

BUT I must say this is a great educational thread for all of us. It really made me think!

[amiller]

I am deaf in my right ear only - and due to an incredibly creative streak, was able to "fake" the standard school hearing tests until I was 14. My mom discovered my loss when, at 14, I had an infection in the earring hold of my left ear and complained that I could no longer talk on the phone. My mom told me - "well, just use the other ear!" and I looked at her and told her "Mom, I can't hear out of that ear!" She couldn't believe it but took me to the audiologist and sure enough, 90% hearing loss in the right ear only. My left ear is perfect, and I've compensated so long that I usually understand people. We tried hearing aids, but for me they only magnified sounds I'd never knew existed (the click of the seat belt for example) to a painful level and they never solved the only real problems I have with my hearing:

1. what I hear is mostly a string of consonants and long vowel sounds that I string together into words
2. not being able to locate sounds if I can not see the source (everything comes from the left for me, which means of someone talks on my right side I turn all the way around and look kinda foolish!

Because I look and speak "normal" people don't understand why I speak so loudly (voice volume modulation is another problem) and often I was teased. That's why I would like Anyka's difficulties, whatever they may be, to be addressed early - so she can grow up being comfortable with who she is, and the people around her will be comfortable as well!

[Krista]

I am deaf in my right ear only - and due to an incredibly creative streak, was able to "fake" the standard school hearing tests until I was 14. My mom discovered my loss when, at 14, I had an infection in the earring hold of my left ear and complained that I could no longer talk on the phone. My mom told me - "well, just use the other ear!" and I looked at her and told her "Mom, I can't hear out of that ear!" She couldn't believe it but took me to the audiologist and sure enough, 90% hearing loss in the right ear only. My left ear is perfect, and I've compensated so long that I usually understand people. We tried hearing aids, but for me they only magnified sounds I'd never knew existed (the click of the seat belt for example) to a painful level and they never solved the only real problems I have with my hearing:

1. what I hear is mostly a string of consonants and long vowel sounds that I string together into words
2. not being able to locate sounds if I can not see the source (everything comes from the left for me, which means of someone talks on my right side I turn all the way around and look kinda foolish!

Because I look and speak "normal" people don't understand why I speak so loudly (voice volume modulation is another problem) and often I was teased. That's why I would like Anyka's difficulties, whatever they may be, to be addressed early - so she can grow up being comfortable with who she is, and the people around her will be comfortable as well!

WOW someone else I can relate to!!!!
I can speak "normal" for the most part also. My hearing loss was gradual. I have nerve deafness, then gradual hearing loss from scarring on top of that. (I have 60% loss in my left ear and 70% loss in my right). Even though my hearing loss is almost equal, I too have trouble locating sounds. I look pretty silly sometimes, lol! I read lips so well that I can put what I see and what I hear together and get most of what people are saying- though I repeat a lot just to make sure, lol.

A long time ago, I told a new friend about my hearing loss (there had been some misunderstandings) and she said, "Oh! That makes more sense! I thought you just had really bad ADD!" LMBO!

[rmorrow]

I wonder sometimes if I have a mild loss or if I just became so involved in the Deaf community when I was in my ITP program that I've just become more accustomed to certain things. For example, I find myself reading lips a lot when people talk to me and having a much harder time understanding them when their backs are turned. I also MUCH prefer to have the captions on while watching TV. I have the SAME issues with my husband and the repeating things comment--I'll ask him to repeat, he'll say the last word or rephrase and I'm sitting there going, "that's not what you said the first time" because I heard part of the sound, just not the whole word... This has been a VERY interesting thread.

Robyn

[Wendianne]

Yes, lessons please!! That's wonderful that you are so considerate of your husband's hearing diffuculty. Big kudos to you.

Even though wearing hearing aids took awhile to adjust to and I still find them annoying from time to time, there was a part of me that was happy since having them is a visual indication to others that I have difficulty in hearing.
I often find myself getting frustrated with DH who is HOH.

Theresa Jo - Thank you for this comment about the visual indication the hearing aids provide. A few years ago DH got new "all in the ear" hearing aids. I felt really guilty for not wanting him to get them. I never told him this because the idea of getting them made him so happy. I was fearful that people would not see the aids and not have as much patience with him. He hasn't shared any changes with me about how people converse with him now as compared to when he had obvious aids.

The new ones he got were really pricey but they seem to work much better than the old ones. The first night he had them he was freaked out by a noise in the house. I finally figured out it was the refrigerator running. I remember he was extra exhausted from hearing so much ambient sound he'd never picked up with previous hearing aids.

[Teresa Jo]

While the "in the canal" hearing aids are small, I find that when I ask someone to repeat themselves and turn my better ear (habit) in their direction, they see the hearing aid and it saves me from having to explain my situation over and over and over....

[Teresa Jo]

A long time ago, I told a new friend about my hearing loss (there had been some misunderstandings) and she said, "Oh! That makes more sense! I thought you just had really bad ADD!" LMBO!

When I was in high school, people thought I was "stuck-up". Why :confused: Because they would call out to me from behind me during class change over (1000 students in the halls at once!) and of course I did not hear. They thought I was ignoring them.

[Teresa Jo]

And while shopping and looking for help, not everyone is looking for hearing aids. It's pretty common to holler across a retail store, "Excuse me Miss?"


The problem I encountered was that a majority of shoppers did not bother with the polite intro. And many times if there were 2 or more shoppers, they'd naturally be talking amoungst themselves. So when one of them would suddenly address a question to me, I had no idea that they were suddenly speaking to me instead of their friend.

[aligreat]

When I was in high school, people thought I was "stuck-up". Why :confused: Because they would call out to me from behind me during class change over (1000 students in the halls at once!) and of course I did not hear. They thought I was ignoring them.

We have a neighbor, who came up to me within a few months of us moving into the apartment complex, and asked me if my husband has a problem with black people. I replied, "No, why do you ask?" He said that my husband never said "Hi" back to him. This was before my husband had his hearing aid. I told the man that my husband is deaf in one ear and to wave to to get his attention and then say "Hi." My sweetheart of course responded to this. I can only imagine what our neighbor thought of us before that. :eek:

[Krista]

When I was in high school, people thought I was "stuck-up". Why :confused: Because they would call out to me from behind me during class change over (1000 students in the halls at once!) and of course I did not hear. They thought I was ignoring them.


Oh yeah! I still get that alot (we go to rather large church- where it happens most often). It makes me sad, and so frustrated sometimes because I feel like there is nothing I can do to keep from being misunderstood all the time. :( Especially since I can speak so well (when I'm in a hurry or really upset I guess I don't concentrate as well and it's like another person is talking- so says my family), nobody ever suspects anything.

[Teresa Jo]

For those who are also HOH, have you ever thought about how your hearing and lack there of have shaped you into the person you are today??

I am not a social person at all. I really dislike large groups. It is so difficult to follow any conversation when there is so much chatter and it gives me a headache to try. I actually tune out all background chatter if it does not involve me since I require a lot of concentration to follow along. In other words, you can stand right next to me and not have to worry about me eavesdropping!

I shy away from chit-chat with new people because I fear I will not be able to hear parts of the conversation and end up looking and feeling stupid. I'm more comfortable saying "huh?" to people I know and am friends with. I think it is also easier sometimes when you are familiar with their voice and way of speaking.

The telephone...ugg. How do you read lips and facial/hand expressions through the telephone?

[Krista]

For those who are also HOH, have you ever thought about how your hearing and lack there of have shaped you into the person you are today??

I am not a social person at all. I really dislike large groups. It is so difficult to follow any conversation when there is so much chatter and it gives me a headache to try. I actually tune out all background chatter if it does not involve me since I require a lot of concentration to follow along. In other words, you can stand right next to me and not have to worry about me eavesdropping!

I shy away from chit-chat with new people because I fear I will not be able to hear parts of the conversation and end up looking and feeling stupid. I'm more comfortable saying "huh?" to people I know and am friends with. I think it is also easier sometimes when you are familiar with their voice and way of speaking.

The telephone...ugg. How do you read lips and facial/hand expressions through the telephone?

Again, I could have written this entire thing myself. I'm terrified of being the center of attention when there are more then- let's say- 3 people involved- I'm terrified of missing something and looking stupid.

The phone is difficult for me. I don't really talk on the phone unless I absolutely have to. I do most of my communication via email (why I'm online a lot, lol). I love caller ID; I don't answer the phone unless I know who is calling; they know that I can't hear well, so they are only calling me if it's important. How about you?

[Teresa Jo]

I'm terrified of being the center of attention when there are more then- let's say- 3 people involved- I'm terrified of missing something and looking stupid.


YUP! This is me too!

I bet you are the master and the 'smile and nod'. Works until you realize you've been asked a question. :o

[dmmetler]

And on the other side of the issue, it IS hard not knowing someone's hearing loss. If I notice someone has hearing aids and start signing to them, would they get offended because they grew up oral and "Just because I'm deaf doesn't mean I sign." Or maybe they are HOH and don't know sign.

And with cochlear implants I always find myself at a loss, do they sign, can they hear me? If it's a child I usually ask their parent, how they prefer to communicate.

Usually I jump in with both feet, using speech and sign at first, then I code switch depending on THEIR response.... Wait a minute, what if they are code switching for me first? :p

I clearly remember when we first began learning sign, I noticed how often I looked away, breaking eye-contact with our deaf mentor. She never needed a break LOL. I would catch myself, and think, "there I go again!"

And while shopping and looking for help, not everyone is looking for hearing aids. It's pretty common to holler across a retail store, "Excuse me Miss?"

BUT I must say this is a great educational thread for all of us. It really made me think!

This is interesting to me, because due to my speech/language disabilities and my signing, a lot of people hear me talk and assume that I've got a hearing loss, when actually the opposite is true. So I get the increased volume, exaggerated mouthing, etc-and if anything, that tends to make it harder for me to respond verbally because it increases the pressure on me. Add that to the fact that even with mild CP I move just enough differently to make it obvious that I'm not "normal", and in general I tend to get treated like a child in public.

Meanwhile, my husband does have a high frequency hearing loss (repeated chronic ear infections), which makes understanding some voices difficult for him, especially in areas with a lot of background noise-which can be frustrating, as waitstaff will often turn to him in a restaurant, not realizing that he doesn't have much of a chance of understanding them, and they'd be better off talking to me, but between my speech and the other signs of my cerebral palsy, they ignore me entirely. Unfortunately, at this point, his hearing loss is a type which is not helped by amplification.