Tantrums with our little ones are never fun. And they usually do not line up with our schedules in a convenient way. There is a lot of advice to parents about staying calm, working to understand our kids when they are upset, and normalizing children’s tantrums. And sure, there is a lot of wisdom in much of this advice. At the same time, tantrums just stink. They take us by surprise, and it can be a challenge to respond in just the right way. So can we work toward understanding and managing tantrums with our kids? Let’s look at these tantrums in a realistic way, and still remind ourselves of how we can deal with them in a positive way.
WHY?
Why do our toddlers and preschoolers have these meltdowns anyway? I think most of us do understand that they are developing their ability to handle their emotions. And that ability is still severely lacking. Our toddlers don’t have all the words to express their thoughts and feelings. Although they certainly do know how to tell us, “NO!” And this emotional development continues on through their preschool years. During both of these stages, our kids may not have the language or coping skills that they need.
Along with this emotional development, there is a cognitive development that needs to happen as well. Even if our kids have the ability to use their words well, they likely do not have the cognitive ability to identify what is happening in their minds and hearts. And so the emotions win again, and out comes the tantrum. So when our kids are having a meltdown, let’s remember this as we work toward understanding and managing tantrums.
Identify key situations for tantrums
While we cannot always predict when we will face a tantrum with our preschoolers, there are key situations where we know we could have a tantrum. And so, let’s look at ways to prevent these frustrating times.
Any time we know there will be a power struggle with our kids, we can prepare ourselves to diffuse this power struggle. Getting dressed? What can we do to give our kids some autonomy? Leaving the house? What systems or helps can we set up to eliminate the crisis power struggle? Can we make a fun game out of the shoe situation? Or make a special home for the item that cannot leave the house?
When my kids were little, we sang a fun song when it was time to leave a friend’s house. The song had nothing to do with leaving or putting on shoes or coats. We would let our kids know it was time to go. And then, as the complaining and whining was about to begin, we would sing, “Rama Lam, Ding Dong.” Then, our kids would answer by singing, “Rama Lam, Ding, Ding, Dong.” And somehow, that made them laugh and be happy about putting their shoes on and walking out of the house.
So, get creative, see what helps you all have fun, and use that to help you in power struggle or high conflict situations with your preschooler.
Offer choices, and stick to them
Many power struggles can be avoided by offering our kids a choice. Again, when we give them some power, it gives them a positive way to exert some power. A common example revolves around snack choices. “Would you like a banana or some carrot sticks?” We can use this tactic with clothing, toys and activities, and all kinds of choices throughout our days.
And yet, many of our kids are savvy to this game, and they refuse our options. So what do we do with that? One way to address this issue is to make sure there are clear expectations ahead of time. And we can even let our kids contribute to these expectations. For example, we can ask our kids, “What 2 snacks would you like to choose from today?” We can require that at least one of them be a fruit or veggie or protein or whatever. And then once we determine together what two snacks we will choose from today, we will stick with that.
We may still have the power struggle, but we can calmly hold to the decision we made together. “This is what we chose this morning, and so this is what we have. We can have that other thing tomorrow.” If it still isn’t going to work, well, we just don’t have a snack then. While we may have a tantrum today, we will be building skills to decrease tantrums tomorrow.
Provide a way to communicate
Since the ability to communicate emotions and feelings is at the center of this tantrum issue, let’s think about ways to help our kids communicate. You know where we’re heading with this. Children who can’t use words yet can use sign language. Children are good at learning to sign, and we provide a fun, easy way to learn those signs, even for babies. So consider having your children learn some sign language. At Signing Time, we have received story after story about little ones choosing to sign in difficult situations instead of melting down. Let’s give our kids a way to communicate in a safe and simple way.
This is something we can help you with. Our award-winning sign language instruction shows are on our app, My Signing Time. And My Signing Time never has ads or distractions. Our shows help kids learn to sign in a fun and easy way. You can try it out for free for 14 days too!
And if you’re looking for additional free resources, check out our free Signing Time Dictionary. It’s full of easy-to-follow instructions for everyday signs that you can learn with your kids.
There is a lot more to say about understanding and managing tantrums, but these tips are a good place to start. Tantrums can be frustrating, but let’s keep supporting our kids to help them find a way to work through their feelings.