The first days of preschool, daycare, or kindergarten can be so exciting! But they can also come with a lot of nervousness. Many of our kids experience separation anxiety at drop-off, clinging tightly to a parent, not wanting to be apart. If this sounds familiar, hang in there! Separation anxiety is actually a normal and healthy stage of development. With some patience and consistency, most children quickly learn that school is a safe and happy place for them. Here are some practical ways to help our kids with separation anxiety.
Why Separation Anxiety Happens
Separation anxiety shows that your little one has formed a secure bond with you. And that is something to be happy about, even though it can feel tough in the moment. Young children aren’t able to fully understand that when you say goodbye, you always come back. For our kids with separation anxiety, goodbyes are just plain difficult. So new environments, unfamiliar teachers, and changing routines can make goodbyes even harder for our kids.
And so here’s the question: how can we help our kids get used to saying goodbye and being apart? Here are a few ideas.
Prepare at Home
Practicing and preparing at home can help our kids with separation anxiety. It helps them to get used to the idea of separations and goodbyes. It can help a school drop-off seem like a normal event instead of a looming terror.
Practice
Try practicing short, small separations at home. Step out of the room for a few minutes, then return and help your child see that you always come back. After our kids get used to this, we could turn it into a game. Challenge your child to stay busy with something until you come back in, and then praise them for whatever they chose to do. This helps them learn that they can handle themselves while you are out of the room. And it helps them to be proud of it too.
Stories
Books and stories are another way to get used to the idea of being apart. Picture books about first days of school or some type of goodbye can normalize those experiences. They can bring out emotions that might need to be worked through, and they can spark good conversations to help our kids.
We have some shows about school that can help normalize our kids’ way of thinking too. Check out Welcome to School in our Classic Signing Time series.
Play
Role playing can help our kids with a lot of difficult situations. So try acting out a drop-off with dolls or stuffed animals. This can progress to acting it out together too. Try different emotions and reactions, and then ask your child which feeling or response was the one that would work best.
Rituals
And then, see if you and your child can come up with a goodbye ritual at home. Work together to choose a special hug or a fancy wave to say goodbye with. Or maybe there’s a meaningful symbol (like a heart with your hands) or a phrase you can say to each other each time you have to do a drop off. If we can practice it at home, it will actually have a lot of good meaning when we use it at drop off time.
See if any of these small steps can help your child feel more secure when it’s time for the real thing.
Create a Smooth Morning Routine
Here’s another thing we know works: routines. Our kids feel more secure when they have a predictable morning. So let’s try to plan out and practice consistent mornings without too much hurrying. It makes a world of difference when our kids don’t feel rushed.
And maybe we can make a comfort object become part of our morning routines. A small stuffed animal, a special photo, or even just important little things in their pockets – these are little things that can bring a feeling of stability to our kids. So they could help our kids with separation anxiety.
If we can have smooth mornings, our kids leave the house feeling calm, which will help them at drop off time.
Plan for the Drop Off Moment
If you have a kid with separation anxiety, drop off can be the hardest part of the day. We’ve talked about practicing and preparing. Now here are some ways to help in the actual moment.
First, keep it short and really positive. This makes it seem like no big deal, and if you are consistent in this way, it tells your child that no amount of upsetness is going to change your response.
Another helpful ritual is to use a consistent way of saying goodbye, like a hug or a high five. You could even use a special phrase that makes your child smile. Again, consistency brings security to the situation.
Then, hand them off with confidence. Greet the teacher with warmth and kindness, and pass your child directly to them. If possible, try to avoid sneaking out. While it makes things seem easier in the moment, it can cause more insecurity in our kids. Be brave, say goodbye, and go. Most kids calm down very quickly once their parents leave. Your child’s teacher will let you know if they stay upset too long or seem to need additional help.
Support Yourself Too
We’ve been talking about making goodbyes easier for our kids, but saying goodbye can be just as hard on parents. It’s normal to feel a pang of worry or guilt, but don’t let that trick you into staying in a place of guilt. Remember that your confidence helps your child to feel safe.
So when you’re the one feeling anxious, or when your anxiety matches your child’s, take a deep breath, and project as much calm as you can during drop-off. Remind yourself that your child is building independence and resilience, and these are valuable and beautiful things.
And communicate with your child’s teacher. Ask for updates on how the day has gone. The teacher would likely be happy to let you know how quickly or slowly your child settled down, or how long it took them to start participating. This way, you are getting information that reinforces what you are trying to tell yourself, which is that you’re both doing OK.
Adjustment Takes Time
It’s easy to feel like we’ve done everything we’re supposed to do, but we still have the same problem. So remember that every child is different. Some adjust to drop-off and school in just a few days, while others may take weeks. We can help our kids with separation anxiety. There’s nothing wrong with you or your child if this is a long process.
When it takes a long time, be sure to celebrate small wins and to notice all the ways your child is trying. Stick to your routines to help your kids adjust faster. Changing them up defeats the purpose. Keep in touch with teachers about any progress or ideas. And if the separation anxiety stays very intense for many weeks, talk with your child’s teacher or pediatrician for extra support.
Separation anxiety at drop-off is a normal part of growing up, and it won’t last forever. By staying calm, creating consistent routines, and offering plenty of encouragement, you’re helping your child learn that goodbyes are temporary and reunions are sweet. Before long, your little one will be walking into school with confidence, and you’ll both feel proud of how far you’ve come.