We’ve all heard it. And we’ve all said it too. “I can’t” is a feeling that is familiar to all of us. So it can be heartbreaking to hear this frustrated expression from our little ones. It might come out when your preschooler is trying to zip a jacket, build a tower, or play with a group of kids. Sometimes it doesn’t just sound frustrated, but actually defeated, like they’ve already decided it’s not worth trying. And yet, when preschoolers say, “I can’t,” they’re rarely giving us a final answer. More often, they’re telling us something important. They’re telling us that this situation feels hard, that they’re unsure what to do, and that they need support. So the way that we respond in these moments can help our children build confidence, resilience, and a belief in their own growing abilities. Let’s look at what to do when our preschoolers say, “I can’t.”
What “I Can’t” Really Means
Let’s remember that preschoolers are still learning how to manage frustration and take risks. They’re working on ways to say what they’re feeling and figuring out how to believe in their own abilities. So when they say “I can’t,” let’s think about what they are really saying about their situation. It could be that they don’t know how to do something, or that they’re afraid. Our kids might feel overwhelmed or simply need us to be close and supportive. And in these feelings, the best they could do is express, “I can’t.”
When we understand what is behind the statement, we can respond with empathy instead of urgency. Often, when our preschoolers say “I can’t,” we take it as an emergency or feel like we have to repeat instructions or deal with an urgent problem. Let’s remember that they are more likely asking for help in some way, not trying to create a problem.
Start With Connection, Not Correction
So while it’s tempting to jump in with reassurance or correction, let’s think of ways to respond with reassurance or encouragement. We tend to say, “Yes, you can!” or “You’ve done this before!”
And while we may say these things with encouragement, these responses can sometimes make children feel misunderstood. After all, they were likely asking for help. So instead of pushing them forward right away, let’s begin by acknowledging the feeling that could be behind the words.
When our preschoolers say, “I can’t,” let’s try saying, “That looks tricky,” or “It’s hard when something doesn’t work right away.” Or we could ask them if they are feeling frustrated or some other feeling.
In our free Signing Time Dictionary, we have a section on feelings, and parents have told us how helpful these signs have been with their kids. When little ones don’t feel like they can say what they’re feeling, they often do feel comfortable signing it.
When our children feel seen or understood, their bodies relax, and then they are able to think about how to move forward and learn new things.
Use the word yet
When our preschoolers say, “I can’t,” one simple word can make a big difference. We can gently reframe their “I can’t do it,” with “You can’t do it yet.” We’re not trying to argue with our kids. But we are trying to open a door to possibility and growth. This small shift helps our kids to understand that learning is a process, not a pass/fail moment.
We can add encouragement like, “You’re still learning.” We can invite them to practice together, and let them know that it’s OK not to know how to do it yet.
And the more we use the word yet, the more our kids will learn to add it to their “I can’t” statements.
Break It Into Smaller Steps
Big tasks can feel overwhelming to our preschoolers. And when something feels too big, “I can’t” is their natural response. But we can help by breaking the task down for them to think through the steps.
We could help them see how to start with just the first piece or the first step. Or we could encourage them to try just one part on their own, and then we can help with the rest. Let’s help them think about which part they want to try first or which part is giving them the most trouble.
For example, if a preschooler is trying to zip up a coat, we could say, “You hold the bottom. I’ll help start the zipper.” Or if there’s an overwhelming mess to clean up, we can help them choose one type of toy to put away first.
Let’s help our preschoolers figure out a step they can take. These small successes build their confidence. This helps them to be willing to try again.
Model a Growth Mindset
As in everything we want to teach our kids, what we do matters more than what we say. So let’s let our kids hear us talk through our own challenges. When our kids hear us say, “This is hard for me. I’m going to try again,” it helps them to know it’s OK to not be perfect the first time. It’s good for them to hear us acknowledge that we make mistakes and to see us learn from those mistakes. Asking for help is something we all struggle with, so when we can model that for our kids, we set them up to be able to ask for help directly.
Let’s remember that when children see us adults struggle and persist, they learn to do the same. And let’s give ourselves the freedom of knowing that we don’t have to be perfect for our kids. They learn and grow by watching our imperfections and seeing us grow through them.
Celebrate Effort
Our culture celebrates results. Yet, it’s so much more effective to celebrate the effort someone puts into what they are trying to do. Often, we save the celebration for when we can say, “You did it!” Of course, that’s really important too, but let’s not forget to celebrate the effort that came before the success.
We can say things like, “You kept trying even when it was hard,” or “You didn’t give up.” And in the process, before the success, we can tell them that we see how carefully they are working or how they are sticking with it. Let’s express how proud we are of how hard they are trying.
This kind of encouragement puts value on the person and their effort, not only on the result. Think about how empowering that can be for our kids.
When to Step Back
While “I can’t” often does mean “I need help,” it may be that your child needs to learn how to ask for help. It’s OK for us to teach them that too. Learning when to ask for help is an important skill for our kids.
So, when our preschoolers say, “I can’t,” we could ask them, “Do you want help, or do you want to try again?”
This gives our kids a sense of control while still offering them support. Whether they choose help or independence, they’re learning to think through what they need.
Responding calmly to “I can’t” takes some patience and some practice, especially when life gets busy. Let’s just do the best we can to use these opportunities to teach our kids that feelings are OK, learning takes time, and mistakes are part of growing.
Over time, “I can’t” slowly becomes “I’ll try.” And that’s something to celebrate!
At My Signing Time, we have a great show to help with family and feelings. Check out Family, Feelings, and Fun from our Classic Signing Time series!